This one is a little bit more personal.
To become a mom we do something that only us women have the capability to do. We have the superpower to create another human. Though this superpower is one of the most amazing qualities we women have we must go through a hell of a lot to do it. It’s a beautiful thing to think about how our body’s change when we are pregnant. Our body knows what to push over to give that precious little ball of life in your belly some room to grow. Our bellies grow bigger and bigger each day and your body will let you know when the baby is hungry. It is truly a beautiful thing.
Being pregnant for some women can be an amazing experience, Yet being pregnant for me was mentally and physically torturing me.
I have always wanted to look a certain way. I want to look like the women you see on TV. I want to look like Beyonce or a Victoria Secret Model. You look at these famous women who just had a baby and look amazing about a week after. So your expectations as a first time mom are that you will bounce back just as fast. This was the worst mentality I could ever have going into pregnancy and having that mentality literally lead the way into my Postpartum Depression.
Let’s rewind a little…
Growing up I always had an issue with my “image” to be honest. I was pretty tiny until I hit 11 years old, where I began to gain weight that my mother called “baby fat”. From the age of 11 to the age of 13 I was teased in school for my weight. Then I dropped all of the “baby fat” and stayed a solid 120 pounds all throughout high school. Even when I was 120 pounds I felt 200 pounds every day. I could look in the mirror and see the same 11-year-old girl who got teased for her weight every day. As I got older and matured I began to appreciate myself, I still watched what I ate because I was so afraid to gain weight but then … I got pregnant.
Hearing the news about my son was overwhelming. I did not know what to feel. I was happy, nervous, scared, excited, anxious and terrified. All I could remember thinking was “what the hell was I thinking? I have no idea how to be a mom. How am I going to do this?” No one lied to me when they said: “it comes naturally”. Motherhood came to me like second nature but everything that came right after it was a shock.
1 week into having my baby, I was already falling into my depression. All I could think about was all of the worst things about myself. I couldn’t understand why I still was fat, I couldn’t understand how I could sleep knowing that this little person is laying right beside me. I was LITERALLY a MOMBIE.
3 months into being a mom, I would catch myself looking in the mirror naked. I hated my body. I could not stand to look at myself. All I could tell myself is “your different”. NOTHING about my body was the same. Nothing. My thighs were humongous and the cellulite on my legs was horrible. I would literally body shame myself for a solid 10 minutes before I put actual clothes on. I couldn’t believe how horrible I looked. My confidence level was at an all-time low and I honestly did not see it moving from where it was
6 months into being a mom and I lost about 40 pounds. Not being healthy, but by not eating anything at all. I did not want to eat and I couldn’t sleep. 24 hours in the day, 24 hours spent on me thinking about how “ugly” I was.
My son is now 13 months and I am no longer 200 pounds, I am a solid 140 pounds and though my confidence level is higher than ever before I still see my 1-week postpartum body staring back at me in the mirror. Though the sizes on my pants say size 4 I still read size 14. I am working on my confidence and working on loving myself. I am getting there, closer and closer to my goal every day. Talking to you and speaking about it to my fellow mombies helps with my progress. So thank you for reading.
I am not writing this to my fellow mombies for you to feel bad for me or sad. I am writing this to let you know that you are definitely not alone. I want you to know that if you don’t feel good about yourself because of your “new” body. Don’t forget that your “new” body literally did something amazing. You made something. You made someone. & you are the baddest, most beautiful mombie I have ever seen. This is still taking me a while to understand but I wish I understood this a little better before. I wish I saw myself the way other people see me. I want you to know that I am here to help the same way that you reading my stories helps me.
Have a lovely day Mombies!